Greetings fellow saboteur! I’m thrilled that you’ve decided to join us in our efforts to bring down the church. There are people out there who are trying to blow all of this stuff about following Jesus way out of proportion, and it’s time we put a stop to it. The most surefire way to silence these overly spiritual do-gooders is from the inside. So far, you’ve completed phase one: planting yourself within a church. Now begins phase two: the implementation of four simple but extremely effective strategies, which I have outlined here.
1) Just focus on ideas
There are lots of things being talked about in sermons on Sunday, and in readings from the Bible. It’s fine if you mentally agree with what you hear, just so long as you don’t actually seek to put it into practice. You’ll hear things about what we shouldn’t do: don’t be anxious (Phil 4:6), don’t lust (Prov 6:25), don’t make crude jokes (Eph 5:4), don’t get drunk (Eph 5:18). You’ll hear other things about what we should do: pray a lot (1 Thess 5:17), actively seek to love other people (Gal 5:14), share the good news (1 Pe 3:15), be set free (Jn 8:36), become like Christ (Rom 12:2). Those sound like good ideas but they’re ultimately impractical, and you shouldn’t let yourself think that they’re actually doable. Or at most, maybe they’re practical for a select few spiritual giants, like pastors and missionaries, but not for the normal person. Besides, being a Christian is really about accepting that Jesus died for your sins and that means that you can go to heaven when you die. That’s all that Jesus really cares about. All of the other stuff isn’t that important, so don’t make the mistake of thinking that it is.
2) Compartmentalize
If you insist on putting some of the things in #1 into action, then only do so at church gatherings. In fact, this is good strategy. Don’t, for instance, make crude jokes within the presence of people associated with the church you’re trying to bring down, lest you give yourself away as in imposter! In fact, for good measure, don’t invite your church friends and your non-church friends to the same events. Contact between the two must be kept at a minimum. It’s okay to put the “spiritual” things into practice so long as it happens only in “spiritual” settings. If someone tries to tell you that everything is spiritual and then quotes the Bible at you (like Col 1:16) to back up that idea, they’re clearly misinterpreting. When Jesus said that we should let our good deeds shine before others (Mat 5:16), He meant that they should shine for other spiritual people only. Besides, spiritual time is spiritual time, and the rest of the week is work time, family time, or just “you” time. Get your regular dose of spirituality once or twice a week, and you’ll be good for the rest of the week.
3) Leave it to the professionals
There are a few people who work full time for the church, and a few others who have volunteered to serve in important positions. If you’re not one of those people, then your role isn’t important. Don’t take any initiative to do anything on your own. Wait for the professionals to organize missions events (“missions” really is an event after all, not a lifestyle) and don’t waste time trying to do outreach that they haven’t organized, and certainly don’t waste time with more personal missions efforts like trying to deepen relationships with neighbors and co-workers. Don’t welcome and greet new people who come on Sundays. That’s the Greeters’ jobs. Don’t study your Bible and pray. That’s the Pastor’s job. He’ll do all of that on your behalf, and since he has a degree from seminary, he’ll do a far better job of it anyway. Anyone who tells you that the Holy Spirit can speak to anyone through the Bible or that God can use anyone is misled.
4) Prioritize comfort
This one might sum up all of the others. Ultimately, you’ve got to look out for yourself. You’re pursuing the American Dream, which includes the pursuit of happiness. That’s what makes America so great: we have so much access to so many conveniences, which is clearly a sign of God’s blessing on us. God wants us to have happy, easy lives. Yes, I know that there’s that line in the Bible in which Jesus supposedly says that “The way that leads to life is narrow and difficult, and few find it,” (Mat 7:14) but I’m sure that scholars will eventually discover that He didn’t actually say that. Let’s live in the real world. Being transformed: difficult. Spending time in prayer: difficult, and inconvenient. Resolving conflicts: difficult. Reaching out to people outside of the church: SCARY and difficult.
On the other hand, Jesus died so that we can go to heaven when we die, and He made it easy to get there – just believe! It’s that easy! The only thing that’s important is belief, and the result is that after we die, we’ll spend eternity in a place of eternal bliss, comfort, and leisure. All of that other talk in the Bible about what should happen between the moment when we believe and the moment that we die is just fluff.
Good luck on your mission! Follow these guidelines, your church will slowly stagnate and die, even though it may appear to be alive. People can continue to gather, but it will be utterly ineffective at bringing people over to “serious,” hyper-spiritual “authentic” Christianity. (This is not, by the way, what Revelation 3:1 must be talking about even if it sounds like it is.) Keep up the good work, and enjoy some of the credit for the demise of the wrong kind of church.
